How quickly I have forgotten how loud the hospital is, the constant beeping of machines, doors opening and closing, laughing nurses (who the hell has the energy to find anything funny this late?) the Hubs, louder than usual snores, good God man roll over!! And the beds oy! How could I have forgotten about those? Either too hard or too soft but never just right to fall asleep before midnight.
Oh and if you haven’t already guessed, yes we are back in the hospital, for I don’t know how many more days anymore.
I just know this time it seems so much harder to be here. I have never cried in front of the pediatric nurses here(please don’t let there be a post saying I have, because at this moment I’m having a hard time remembering crying on the fourth floor, third floor yes, fourth floor no) but when the doctor told me Gage may have pancreatitis, and that it is a very scary thing and I brought him in at a good time; they are almost certain it is caused by his chemo vincristine. Which is rare but known to happen, all the nurses say Gage doesn’t know how to follow the leukemia handbook and at this point I couldn’t take it. The doctor gave me more information, and told me what would be going on in the next couple of days and left me to google everything he said. All I can say is damn you google with your easy access and cute google home page having to be different daily; you taunt me daily to see your changes. So when one of the nurses asked if I was OK and needed a hug, I said “no, I’m fine” but I promptly went I to our room called the Hubs and begged him to get down to the hospital I needed him, and sat there and cried with Gage on my lap. I never let Gage see me cry, in fact I try not to cry because I’m afraid I won’t stop.
Now add to my list of stuff to listen to I am straining to hear Gage to make sure he doesn’t start dry heaving or puking up bile. Poor baby, it is so sad. He doesn’t cry, or moan and groan he is such a strong, brave little boy and I cannot wait to see what type of man he is going to become.
****sorry for any of the misspellings or grammatical errors, I typed this on my iPhone.***