Squirrel Tales

You Know You’re The Parent of a Kid With Cancer When…

1. You carry a tube of Emla in your purse instead a tube of lipstick
2. Kids with hair look kind of strange to you
3. You can sleep anywhere, and anything that reclines more than 15 degrees looks “comfy”
4. Your spouse asks what that sexy perfume is, and it’s Betadine
5. You don’t realize the sharps container is on the kitchen table until half way through dinner
6. You enjoy the drive at 3:00am to emergency because there aren’t any other cars on the freeway
7. You can name all the equipment used on ER
8. You can deaccess the patients on ER before the Docs do
9. You hear a truck backing up and you think the IV is beeping
10. You are so proud when your baby finally gets hair (and he is 8)!

11. Your new bathroom trash can has “Hazardous Waste” written on it (recycled sharps container)
12. You can maneuver a double pole with six boxes and a kid riding, on a tour of the hospital, and make it back to the room before the low-battery alarm sounds and the kid has to pee
13. You realize you’ve been home two weeks, and you’re still measuring I’s and O’s
14. The nurses stop responding to the IV alarm, knowing you’ll fix it anyway
15. Your child asks what’s for dinner, and you automatically reach for the bag of hyperal
16. Your 2-year-old knows where all of the medical equipment goes, and how to use it
17. Your child’s first word is a medical term
18. You keep a bag packed at all times like your 9 1/2 months pregnant
19. You can eat with one hand while you hold the barf bucket with the other
20. Your child’s bedroom looks like a Toys R Us® store

21. You ask your CPA if bribe toys are tax deductible
22. You correct the doctors spelling on the chemo meds
23. You can read the doctors prescription word for word, and are asked to decipher it by the pharmacist
24. You know medical terminology better than your family practitioner
25. There are 4 new Mercedes in the doctors’ parking lot due to your child’s payments
26. The pharmacy sends your family Christmas presents
27. You get excited when there is a 15% off sale at the pharmacy
28. The local needle program comes to your door
29. You have a syringe in your purse and you’re not a diabetic
30. You have more meds in your cupboard than food.

31. You can read your son’s chart better than his nurse
32. You look like you’re tan but it’s really Betadine stains
33. You and your hubby get matching stress tattoos for fun
34. You start teaching your daughter the parts of her body, and you point to her chest, and she says that’s her port
35. None of the security guards on the pediatric floor ask for your ID anymore, and you’re on first-name basis with the operating room staff
36. Medical students ask to borrow your notes
37. Your toddler refuses to sit on Santa’s lap because he’s too germy from all the other kids
38. You wrap presents and packages with medical tape
39. Your main source of nutrition comes from aspirin
40. Your child is more familiar with CT scan & bone scan pictures than the portrait studio!!!

41. When you use the term six-pack, you are talking about platelets, not Budweiser^®

42. Your child is going on a field trip and wants to know if you have signed his “remission” slip

43. Your child can easily pronounce “Neuroblastoma,” “chemotherapy” and “coagulate,” but has trouble pronouncing the state you live in

44. Your child uses Legos^® to build “MRI” machines

45. You don’t have to ask, “What’s that mean” to the previous 44 items

46. You hear yourself say the words, “I’ll buy you anything you want” at least twice a month

47. You know you are the friend of a family with a child with cancer when you call to check the chemo schedule and ask, “How will her counts be on, say, the 11th?” before you schedule a birthday party

48. You have been asked by more than 25 friends and family members, “So, when is his next treatment?”

49. Your four year old’s critique of the medical student’s examination skills is the same as the supervising physician’s

50. A younger sibling identifies a nipple as “my port site”