Monthly Archives: December 2010

Sometimes it is just so hard…

I don’t know why I have slipped back into this place. It’s dark, and scary, I can’t stop crying in this place, and no matter how hard I try to stop; I can not find my way back out of here. I’m fucking terrified, no matter how many times I tell myself Gage is going to be fine. You really just never know. We cherish every moment we have with him. Our baby. Knowing that maybe our moments might not be forever. Knowing even if he is in remission, there are so many complications that we can not see. I want to scream and hit somebody at the unfairness of it all.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you all the Merriest Christmas!

Twas the Day Before Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the house the baby was sleeping, daddy was working and mommy was being lazy, wearing her jammies, eating chips and salsa on the couch, catching up my sixteen and pregnant episodes. When I should have been doing laundry, washing last nights dishes,***because they are starting to smell*** and finishing up the Christmas cookie/candy platter I’m going to pass off as baking it all myself, and trying to find something to wear on Christmas day that actually fits me; an almost impossible task. ***I’m lazy and I like to eat***

This holiday season has been kind of hard for me, also the fact that it’s been raining non stop for days, our house is flooded and we had to move in with the in-laws doesn’t help. We are stuck in doors, and can’t run and play in the rain; can anybody say cabin fever? But also watching parents taking their kids to see Santa at the mall, the Christmas tree farms with the bounce house castles, happy kids running around the toy isle in ToysRus pointing out what they want for Christmas. I can’t take Gage to any of these places, and as pretty as our artificial tree is, it would have been so much fun to take Gagers to the tree lot, and to go down the slide, or ride the ponies; but since Gage is neutropenic, we can’t get a real tree, in case the water gets moldy. Santa is so out of the question because of all the germs***kids*** Gage can again get sick, and toy stores? Forget about it. Can somebody please make me a plastic bubble, so I can take Gagers places? I’d even change his name to Tod Lubich, for this bubble. Come on, any takers? None?***crickets*** Fine, whatever we’ll stay home. Whatever.

Has anybody ever seen that movie Extraordinary Measures, with Brandon Fraser and Keri Russell? Well, it’s probably the worst movie to watch if you have a kid with a terminal illness; of course I watched it. Big mistake. I have been having regular panic attacks and bouts of anxiety filled days and nights, all because of Encino Man and Felicity. The scene where their daughter is in the hospital and starts to crash, brought back everything I had worked so hard to forget, and get past. Keri Russell screaming as her daughter is dying in front of her; makes me want to vomit as I write this. The agony of watching her go through something I had been through was pure hell for me, hearing the nurses asking her to please leave the room, not knowing what’s going to happen to her baby, she lived; but I couldn’t watch anymore.

Even though I have done A LOT of complaining the last couple of days, I have so much to be happy for. The rain has FINALLY stopped! It’s sunny outside, my Christmas presents are all wrapped, Gage is out of the hospital and is healthy***for now***, my twin sister and her two crazy cute ass kids flew in from Arizona this morning; and I can’t wait to see them! Oh! I finally got a disability check in the mail, which means I am not in danger of loosing my health insurance anymore. BIG RELIEF.

Kinda Bitter

It happened today. I was finishing up Christmas shopping today, while the Hubs was at the hospital with Gagers, and I hit me, came out of no where and knocked me flat on my ass. I was jealous of all the parents in the store Christmas shopping for their perfectly healthy kids. Kids who haven’t spent the last eighteen days in the hospital, kids who have not had to fight for their lives for the last four and a half months. They haven’t had to watch the devastation on parents faces as they are told their kids have a terminal illness, or see the look that crosses their face when they realize this may be one of the last Christmases they have with their kid, and it’s going to be spent in the hospital. In the last 138 days I have never gotten upset or jealous about healthy kids and healthy families, because I’d not wish this on my worst enemy.
I hate myself, for feeling this way. Really, it’s nobodies fault my kid is sick and theirs are not. Ick, even writing this makes me feel bad.
But on the plus side, we are HOME!!

Free at last, free at last, thank the doctors; I’m free at last!

Third Annual Great Bloggy Holiday Card Exchange

We made two Christmas cards this year. We were totally on the ball, especially considering we have been in the hospital the whole month of December; due to complications from Gages leukemia.
But without further adieu, here are our cards!!

Pictures by

No moment is guaranteed – live for today. #TDL

Sometime in September 2010.

Take 1,644 annnnnd action!

I am so glad Gage was born in June, mainly because it is almost six months from his birthday to Christmas, and he always gets enough clothes to last those six months and more. I almost never have to buy him stuff, it’s nice. The truly best part of the six months between holidays? ***yes, Gages birthday is a holiday in our family*** The pictures. I have thousands of pictures of Gage, crappy, blurry snapshots on my camera and phone, pictures I’m glad I didn’t delete because I looked fat or my eyes were closed. These are precious memories, I will keep and cherish forever. But as fun as my amateur pictures are, the ones I love, love, love the most are the ones that takes. Theses pictures are birth announcements, Christmas cards, and birthday invitations. She is such an amazing photographer and a pretty fantastic person too! I’m so grateful to know her and call Besties.

Some out takes from this years Christmas card.

The Nicest Nurses I know

His 19th birthday was yesterday. He is the only adult in the pediatric oncology unit. His chances for survival are better with the kids then the adults, so here he stays with the “babies” but he doesn’t mind, he smiles and waves as we walk by his room for the millionth time; nods his head when he recognizes something in Gagers that makes them part of the same team. The I’m too young to die team, the I’ve been through hell and back, but I’m still here fighting team.
He wanted a lap-top computer for his birthday he knew it was expensive but hoped maybe if it was a combined birthday/Christmas gift his mom could afford to get it for him. Even though he is an adult he is still just a kid who really wants something cool for his birthday, but as his birthday grew near he knew his mom could not afford a new lap-top computer for him, but that was ok because he was going home after 57 days in the hospital and that is a way better birthday present anyway.
Little did he know the nurses who work here are the best nurses anywhere, and had taken up a collection weeks ago to get the only adult oncology patient in the pediatric unit the only thing he asked for on his 19th birthday. A lap-top computer. I love our nurses, they are truly amazing people. They go out of their way to make their patients and their families happy and comfortable.
Happy 19th Birthday Big Guy.

Yuck! What is that smell???

So I have noticed a smell hovering around Gage lately. A nasty, disgusting, OMG what is that? I’m going to vomit kind of smell. I swear I have given him sponge baths while here. But good God, what part of his body is that coming from? He hasn’t pooped in a week, maybe it’s starting to ferment in his body? Seep through his pores maybe? Nope, none of that. It’s his hand with the IV in it. ***bleck, so gross*** When I finally figured out where the stink was coming from, I quickly paged the nurse, wondering what the hell was wrong? Has it turned gan-greeny? Is it going to fall off? Oh Jeebus, an amputee?? Ok, I can deal with that. After our nurse was done laughing her ass off at me, she told me no, his hand was not going to fall off, it’s the tape and sweat and maybe food trapped in there; a weeks worth in fact. Hence the smell. There is no point in changing the dressing now, as Gagers is going into surgery this afternoon. But I guess I now know why people crinkle their noses when we walk by. Yuck, he keeps trying to pet my face with that hand, I can actually taste it if I try to breath through my mouth. ***Ewww.***


Parents PLEASE get your kid to write a letter to Santa and drop it off at the nearest Macys for every letter they receive they will donate $1 to the Make a Wish Foundation, even if you can’t donate money one letter can help make a childs wish come true! Last day to write a letter is December 24!! Or you can go to and you can “mail” your letter on the computer and they still donate $1 to the Make a Wish Foundation!!

Photo taken off the Macy’s website.