Sometimes it is just so hard…

I don’t know why I have slipped back into this place. It’s dark, and scary, I can’t stop crying in this place, and no matter how hard I try to stop; I can not find my way back out of here. I’m fucking terrified, no matter how many times I tell myself Gage is going to be fine. You really just never know. We cherish every moment we have with him. Our baby. Knowing that maybe our moments might not be forever. Knowing even if he is in remission, there are so many complications that we can not see. I want to scream and hit somebody at the unfairness of it all.

9 responses to “Sometimes it is just so hard…

  1. *hugs* I think of your boy often. You’re family is always in my prayers, he is such a strong little fighter, and you are doing a wonderful job as his mama. ❤

  2. I go there too even though I don’t want to. Sometimes I wish I just had somebody who would listen to me without brushing me off or telling me Mason is going to be fine and I just shouldn’t think about it.
    Maybe they just can’t understand that we face the real possibility of our children dying. Not some vague worry that I think every mother experience from time to time but an actual threat and the it consumes us.
    I’ve come to think of these visits to the dark place as a way to purge the thoughts and rid myself of them. Sometimes it only gives me a few hours of peace, sometimes more, but I do feel better able to deal with everything that we are facing.
    It isn’t fair that we have to go to this place, that our children are sick and may die. I wish I could take it away for both of us and our sons. I wish I could do that for us.
    But I can listen if you ever need someone who won’t brush you off or tell you not to worry.
    I think of Gage daily and send him all my good thoughts. I also hope that someday soon we will be able to discuss with each other how to be Mom’s of kids who USED to be sick.
    Love and hope,

  3. gage IS going to be fine! so its ok!

  4. Shake shake shake senora, shake your body fine. Shake shake shake senora shake it all the time. Work work work senora, work your body fine. Work, work work senora, work it all time.
    I think you just gotta work through the dark spots. I don’t think you can avoid them. Having a kid going through what Gage is, means that you’re going to be scared to your bones and cry more than not. At least I think so. Just make the most of the times you aren’t crying. So shake shake shake senora….

  5. I agree with Jenn. Luckily, Gage is your son.. which means he is strong and a little fighter!! He will win this battle despite the obstacles and challenges along the way… you are loved so much and it’s okay to fight and scream and cry… for god’s sake how would you be able to get through this without being able to release your emotions! Enjoy each and every day and moment for they are precious… and when gage is a young man… living a strong, healthy life you will look back on all of this and cry some more!! I love you little sister.. keep you chin up

  6. you are allowed to feel sad, have shitty days, just know u arent alone. ❤

  7. I don’t have anything to say that anyone hasn’t already said but I love you and you get it out anyway you want. There aren’t any rules to follow in how you should feel or react to a crazy scary and stressful situation like your child being sick. He is a fighter just like Millie said and so are you and together, you are both going to whoop leukemia’s sorry ass. Love to you guys always and always.

  8. ps. and troy! he’s def. the whoop-leukemia’s-ass-kinda guy 😉 xoxoxo

  9. I just happened on to this site and wanted to reach out to you who are suffering and dealing with the dark fear of loosing the children you love so much. I know you write because you want to be heard, and so I just want you to know I did, and that I know you have to steer into this pain in order to take control of it in some small way. You are doing a good thing to speak of your fear and to write about it. This is also a way to face those horrors straight on and somehow to find strength for the next moment.

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