Because You Can’t Just Wish It Away

I feel like such a failure as a parent, on June 24, 2009 the doctors sent us home from the hospital with a healthy new born baby; and I couldn’t keep him that way. They trusted me, Gage trusted me and I failed them. I understand this is like one of the most  irrational thoughts on the planet, but I can’t help it.  I’m his mom and I am supposed to protect him, keep him safe. Yet every time he gets chemotherapy I am putting toxic chemicals into his body, that I can’t even throw in the trash because it’s so dangerous they need to be incinerated. I’m pumping this directly into his heart. His HEART!

The one question I have gotten asked at least once a day if not more since Gage was diagnosed with leukemia is “how do you do it?” or “I don’ know how you guys do it.” Really? Like I have a choice, I can’t twinkle my nose, fold my arms, and nod my head to make this go away. Trust me because I have wished, begged, pleaded and threatened the world to make my baby better and I can’t make him better. But truly I do what I have to do, I don’t have a choice. He hasn’t given up on me so I can’t give up on him. I will continue to fight for him, for the rest of his life.

When Gage was born, I made the decision to try and exclusively breast feed, it was hard, and it took a lot of work and dedication on my part, and lots of patience on the Hubs part. Thank goodness he has a lot of patience, because my breast pump was my best friend for nine long months. Which was how long I was able to nurse for. After Gage was diagnosed, I kept having this reoccurring  dream, that I was still able to nurse and the cure for his leukemia was my nursing him. I woke up and it was so real, I was lying on a cot in his hospital room, ready to cry because here was the answer, the cure to his leukemia! and I had it in me the whole time, literally, IN ME! But after I really woke up and looked at Gage, asleep in his hospital crib with tubes and wires hooked up to him, I realized it was all just a dream and I was back in Kansas again; but instead of Kansas I was in room 4114 on the fourth floor of the pediatric unit.

Sometimes I wish I could click my heals together and go back to the day we left the hospital back in June 2009. To be completely ignorant of all the hell we have been through. To never have seen my child almost die in from of my eyes. To not cry with my sisters every we time we talk about “that night”, because they should never have had to see their 14 month old nephew intubated. I hate the fact I had to call the Hubs at 11:45 at night telling him to get back to the hospital, because they needed to take Gage into surgery and they don’t know if he is going to make it. I don’t know how the Hubs can trust me after that, when I don’t even trust myself.

This was our first day home from the hospital back on June 24, 2009 we were so tired but so happy. I'd give anything to go back to that day.

7 responses to “Because You Can’t Just Wish It Away

  1. Gage is a lucky kiddo to have you fighting right by his side. We are right there with you… I will bitch-slap some leukemia. I love you guys so much and am so proud to have you as one of my Besties: you are incredible and with your courage and conviction and Gage’s all in all badassness, leukemia doesn’t stand a mother effin chance. xo

  2. To read that you think you’re a failure even sometimes breaks my heart. You are the oppposite. I just read today, Succes is the journey, not the destination. It’s easy to be there at the end when he’s 100% and done with it all. The success for you is that you’re getting him there. You are. You are his constant. And you do it perfectly.

  3. Hi Lisa,
    I keep track of your blogs and I want you to know,you,gage and your hubs will always be in my prayers.
    Gage is a lucky boy to have such brave parents like both of you. James is having a bad sinus infection and he has been having high fevers- I cry and feel so weak not knowing what to do, then I think of Gage and I think of you, this sinus infection is nothing compared to what the little guy has to go thru or has gone through the last few months, what you and your hubs have gone thru, suddenly I feel stronger, shame on me!!!
    So be strong my friend, leukemia doesn’t stand a chance! one day you will look back and see all these was worth the fight. Hugs!

  4. To hear u say that u failed gage and ur hubs is so sad, it literally brought tears to my eyes, because u are the complete opposite of a failure! There is nothing u could have done to change it lisa, wether he was breastfed for 20 months on 9 or wether u got his vaccines or not he would have gotten the leukemia, u have to realize this lisa. We are so amazed by u, gage, and troys courageousness thru all u are goin thru, I dont think I wld ever have the strength to go thru somethin like this with the grace and dignity that u have. I seriously admire u as a mother and wife, u are an inspiration to me and to many moms! am INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have u as a bestie and I consider u a sister! please stop beating urself up. Where do u think gage gets his fight from? its from u! he knows that u are a super mom, he see’s u being so strong and says ” I can do that” !!! WE are goin to show that leukemia who is boss! LEUKEMIA AINT GOT NOTHIN ON THE CHURCHILLS ❤ ❤

  5. Lisa!!! I cried while reading this from start to finish… I do remember the first phone call.. you were on the other line, trying to keep it together “We’re at the KP in San Diego, Gage has Leukemia.” I drove home and cried… but then for a second or a few moments I was certain that it had to be a mistake. Then that night… that horrible, horrible night… I couldn’t find enough blankets to cover you, you were trembling as we watched Gaged wheeled in to the OR. I was terrified so I couldn’t image what you were feeling.. my heart ached for you, for Troy, for Gage… for everyone who love you three so much. The horrible nightmares that I had after the events of that night still bring me to tears. I often wonder how you’re feeling.. sometimes I don’t even know what to say to you. The only thing I can say, is… Leukemia is evil to the core, this we know, but you have proven that a mother’s love is by far the most amazing antidote to this poision we call Leukemia. You are Gage’s strength, you have been by his side every moment, for every fight… you have been so unbelievably strong, an inspiration to all who have watched you, Gage and Troy go through this. You are a success as a mom… and if that’s what you refer to as a “failure”… then I want to fail just like you!! I love you little sister and am so proud of you!! You’re strong and loving and through it all still as adorable as hell!! XOXO

  6. Oh and don’t forget… the one thing to laugh at now… “Garcia!” and my hubby getting ready to talk to the surgeon… ay George!!

    Love you Lisa!

  7. if i was there i would kick your ass! lisa (ok and those of you who know us i dont say this very often if ever so write this date down!) your a great mom and anything having to do with gage you pretty much do it right. so stop stressing Gage IS going to be fine he has just hit his woops in life its gonna be bumpy but everyone knows its smooth riding after that! so give my cute ass nephew a kiss and a hug for me and good luck today!

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