Daily Archives: February 14, 2011

End On A Happy Note

Happy Valentines Day to the loves of my life. You both bring me so much love, joy, and light to my life. I love you both more then mere words can say.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

by: e.e. cummings


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Ready For Anything

I don’t think that I will ever breath easy again. The panic attacks are back with a vengeance and I can’t control them. I don’t see things that have happened but things that could happen. Since Gage was diagnosed back in August of last year, we have had to be prepared for the worst. And by worst I mean I have his funeral planned out.  I know nobody wants to hear this but it’s truly been my way of coping with his leukemia. Sitting nervously in the waiting room at three o’clock in the morning not sure if he was going to make it out of surgery, I prepared myself. What Gage would wear, what the Hubs and I would wear, the colors. I knew then that no matter what since Gages life was such a joy and celebration to us, his funeral would be the same. A party in his honor, a celebration of his life.

It’s with a cold detachment that, when I think of it all, almost like it’s not happening to me. Like it’s not my baby. We all tend to think because he is doing so well right now, that he will continue to do well. Which is what I am begging for, because I truly do not know what I would do, if anything were to happen to him. But that can all change at the drop of a hat, he can end up sick and in the hospital, or worse. His life is just so unpredictable right now, as a family we don’t take a single day of Gage for granted. Which means he is going to be so spoiled because we can’t seem to say no to him, or take away his bottle.