Monthly Archives: November 2010


This was the day before our world started to fall apart, we didn’t know in the coming months we’d be fighting for his life. It was an awesome day.

He has what?

So after my mild panic attack at the clinic, we arrived at the hospital fourth floor, room 4111. I don’t think I will ever forget that room number.

After getting admitted, it was nice they came to us, no pesky waiting. It was all kind of surreal, they brought the Bestie, Gage and I food, and it was good! I don’t know what was more surprising the food being good or the fact we were at the hospital; for some unknown reason.

Finally after what felt like hours, but in hind sight was probably only thirty minutes, a pretty young doctor came in, we’ll call her Doctor B, she sat down and my world fell apart.

“Well, just from looking at the blood samples, I can tell you that it looks like leukemia-” at this point I have to interrupted the good Doctor B by asking the Bestie “Please remember everything she says, I maybe nodding, but as soon as she says anything I panic attack it right out of my brain; oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck this cannot be happening.

I’m going to interrupt myself here by saying that day my Bestie was my rock, my anchor to hold on to, if I’d have been by myself I don’t know what I would have done. I will forever be thankful she was there with me; I already loved her but this sealed the deal for eternal gratitude and love.
Ok back to Doctor B, “from what I can see, Gage has leukemia, but with more blood work will be able to determine which type and how advanced; we should have all that information on Friday.” as I dumbly sat there and just nodded, and saying stupid shit like “ok, Friday, ok” the Bestie asked relevant questions that I’m sure the Hubs and the rest of the family would want answers to. I don’t remember what she asked all I know, is I relied on her to answer any questions the family had, and she did; thank God for her.

As soon as the Doctor left I was on the phone with the Hubs, “Gage has leukemia, OMG OMG OMG Gage has leukemia!” me sobbing uncontrollably into the phone, with the help if the Bestie I was able to answer as many questions he had.

Why the fuck is it when you have the biggest news in the world to tell me people they never answer their Goddamn phone?? I just discovered my kid has leukemia where the hell are you people and why can’t you pick up?! This is why cell phones were created!!

In memory of too many

I took this off of

Children with cancer are like candles in the wind who accept the possibility that they are in danger of being extinguished by a gust of wind from nowhere and yet, they flicker and dance to remain alive, their brilliance challenges the darkness and dazzles those of us who watch their light.


So the last few days have been really hard, Gage is attached at my hip. I knocked him into the wall just now because I didn’t know he followed me into the bathroom. Thanks. He is crying, no correction screaming in his room right now, and I have anxiety because I want to go get him, but I know if he was not sick I’d let him cry it out. I just can’t.

This is the thing that is the hardest for us all to deal with as a family, how do we treat him? Do we give him special treatment? Let him throw tantrums? Ignore the fact he is acting like a ravong lunatic? Thank goodness we don’t go out in public anymore, because the tantrums come every day all day; and I don’t know what I’d do if Gage pulled this shit in public. Probably drop him off at thelocal fire station, in one of those “safe baby zones.”

Our doctors have told us to treat him like any normal seventeen month old. It is kind of hard to do when he gets meds twice a day and then more on the weekend, especially with chemo, spianl punctures, bone marrow samples, blood transfusions the list could go on…

Fuck I can’t take the crying/screaming it’s boardering on sad and God damn annoying. This is why I pick him up, because now he is hiccupping, with little whimpers and sniffles hugging me so close. It is almost worth hearing the screaming just to cuddle like this.

August 2, 2010

There is nothing I like better than shopping with my best friends, and I was lucky enough to have to be spending the first Monday in August shopping with one of the Besties. Little did I know by the end of the day all of our lives would be change forever.

That morning we woke up and Gage was acting not like himself, kinda crappy with a low-grade fever, which I attributed to teething; so I gave him some Tylenol and off to Ikea we went. After arriving at the store and stopping to grab a bite to eat at the yummy cafe, but Gage was still out of it didn’t want anything to eat or drink, he did nap a lot; that alone should have told me something was up.

By the time we left Ikea, I just was not happy with the way Gage was looking and acting so I decided to stop by my work, which just happens to be in the same medical office building (MOB) his pediatrician is. My logic being if there is something wrong they will give him antibiotics and send us on our way, if there was nothing at least all of my co-workers would get to see Gage; they love that. 

Of course everybody was so happy to see Gage, he is such a happy, chubby babby and he’s let anybody hold him or pet him. Since we were a walk in and our pediatrician was out we saw Dr. Cairo, and after giving Gage a quick look over, ears, eyes, mouth and chest he determined he was fine and it was probably just teething. Before he could walk out of the room though I mentioned he had an “odd rash” on his bottom and would he mind checking that out, please.

Petechiae, that’s what he told me it was. The definition of petechiae  is red or purple spot on the body, caused by a minor hemorrhage (broken capillary blood vessels). Oooookay…what does that mean??? The Doctor rushed blood work, and started him on double antibiotic shots in the legs, they tried to put a catheter in him, and that was not happening so they “bagged” him (they put a bag around his boy parts, to catch any urine, for a sample.)

Thank GOD, the Bestie was with me that day, I don’t know what I would have done if I was by my self. So after about twenty minutes the Doctor came back in and told us that he’d already booked us at a room in the hospital and get down there for more tests.

Oh my fucking God.

I immediately called the Hubs “Hey, we’re going to the Hospital, the Doctor didn’t say anything only we’d be there a couple of days, take your time come after work, should be no big deal.”  I couldn’t have been anymore wrong…

1 year 1 month 14 days…

35,337,600 seconds, 588,960 minutes, 9816 hours, 58 weeks, 409 days. All normal, happy-go-lucky blissfully healthy days.

Having a baby was not in my plans, but once the stick turned pink and I calmed down enough to tell the Hubs the news we were both ready and willing; doing everything to make sure this baby had the best start possible,

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl. I unashamedly wanted a girl who I could dress up, pierce her ears and paint her tiny little nails…heaven!

So when the technician asked if we had any ideas on what the baby was, I excitedly said “it’s a BOY!” I got a glipse of something I didn’t see when I looked down to go the bathroom; and really who wants a girl anyway? They are all drama, and boys clothes are so much more cuter!

FINALLY on June 19, 2009 at 5:22a.m. Gage came into the world all cute and pink sporting the largest cone head ever! In fact the first thing out of the Hubs mouth about his first born, were “Oh my God, he looks like an alien!’ It love at first site, I still chuckle over it to this day.

The first year was so easy, I swear! He slept through the night at two months, I nursed until he was nine months, he crawled on time, was at the top of the charts on all doctors visits and he was just so damn cute! 

The first birthday, OMG! that was the best. I don’t care that he wont remember it I will show him pictures. Do you think eighty people was a bit excessive? Well if I’d have know that in less then two months our lives were going to changed so drastically, I would have hire that ‘effing petting zoo like I wanted.