I Live in Hope.

I have anxiety. Everyday, it seems to get worse. I read a story of someone’s baby who didn’t make it and I hold Gage and pray that’s not us. I wonder if what happens when we put his mediport back in will his candida come back? Will we catch it in time if it does? Oh my god,  what if he relapses?

For a long time I was able to get a hold of my panic attacks and anxiety  and then one of Gage’s doctors said ”we were lucky to catch the candida as quickly as we did last time, because a lot of the times, we lose the young ones before we get to them”   ….   ”but you’re doing a great job, job keep doing what you’re doing”    …

The thing is I don’t know what I am doing. I’m barely holding on some days. I feel like I am being held together with string and one false move and I’m going to shatter and break into a million pieces. I’m not able to fall asleep at night anymore, it seems every time I close my eyes I’m watching a movie of every complication Gage has ever had. I hear it all, I smell it all. The fear washes over me and it wont go away.

I took a CPR certification course yesterday, and as I sat there watching the training DVD,  I felt the anxiety start to creep up on me. My shoulders tensed up the blood started rushing to my head. Oh god, please don’t let me start crying, I don’t want these people, these strangers to think I’m crazy. As I sat there I hear CODE PINK  (code pink at our hospital means that a child is in distress) being paged over the hospital paging system. I went back to that day. The day we came so close to losing him. I sat there, a I started to sweat, my hands were shaking so hard. I was afraid, I was going to have to leave. But I NEED to get CPR certified! Thankfully, the instructor calls for a break, and I can call the Hubs, who reassured me, that Gage is still here,  still alive and that everything will be fine.  And for a moment at least, I’m ok.

Later that day I went to my Holy Place. Target  and aimlessly walked the isles, eating popcorn and drinking a watermelon slupree basking in the fact, I was by myself. A very rare thing. I found this:

I have to...

Of course I bought it. I don’t know what I’m going to write in it yet, but I keep it with me in my purse and I take it out and stare at the words, needing to see them.  Needing to know that what they say is true.

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CER-TEE-FIED

Oh. My. God. I swear I thought I was pregnant. Just writing those words makes me clammy and sweaty, I think I’m gonna puke and not because I am pregnant, thank you baby jeebus! Yes, I know you’re all saying but Momma you’re on a reliable birth control method what happened? How could this be? 0.1% that’s how it could be.

For months, I have been dizzy like crazy and vomitt-y everyday all day. OMG! I could have been one of those women who gave birth on the toilet! ACK! could you imagine? But I bet you all didn’t know I’m a certified Google doctor. So when I typed in all of my symptoms, Google straight said, you maybe pregnant; get a test. After I picked my scared ass up off the floor, I ran to Target and bought the test. Three of them, all NEGATIVE ***cue the singing angels***

…So wait. The good news is I’m not pregnant. Then where the hell did the eleven pounds I have gained since February come from then?! DAMMIT!

I have been an emotional wreck, crying at the drop of a hat. Like waaaaaaay more then usual. At way stupid stuff too, but come on who ate my flaming hot cheetos?! dammit, I was looking forward to eating those while reading Two Kisses For Maddy*, which even if I hadn’t already been an emotional mess, this book pushed me over the edge. I recommend it for anybody who wants to read about true love, that was lost and the power of survival. Matt truly is an inspiration. It was a great book.

TWO KISSES FOR MADDY

Quick ask me a medical question, and  I will get you an answer on Google.**

*Also Matt nor Maddy have a clue who I am. They probably don’t really even care what I think, so obviously I was not compensated in anyway for reading his amazeball book. But Buy it anyway.

** Ask at your own risk 😉

Wordless Wednesday- Easter Bunny

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Try and try again

I haven’t written in a while, mainly because I have been hopeful and not wanting to say anything to jinx Gage from finally reaching the maintenance portion of his chemotherapy treatment. It would usually take a person who has no complications in his chemotherapy six months to reach this phase but since Gage is basically Murphy’s Law when it comes to leukemia we are about eight and a half months in without starting maintenance yet. Yesterday Gage was supposed to have a lumbar puncture, but his ANC was too low, meaning Gage is at an extremely high risk for infection. So no lumbar puncture, which means no starting maintenance. Hopefully next week when we go back, his counts will be high enough and we can start treatment.

This is the second week in a row, that Gage’s counts have dropped. Hearing the doctors say, he looks great and telling us he should  pass, instead we end up hearing that he “flunked”  I hate this waiting, the not knowing. The wondering why his counts instead of going up this week they went down. Having to trust in what the doctor is saying but fearing for the worst. Putting on a brave face and a smile, telling our families this is normal, but never really knowing. Hoping what I am being told is true. Hoping what I am telling them is true.

On the up and up Gage’s hair has started to grow back, and he looks like a fuzzy headed baby chick, his hair is so soft and some bits are longer then the rest like a little comb over. I love to rub my fingers through it. It’s his favorite way to fall asleep.  He is also so full of energy that I can barely keep up with him half the time, so I am hoping and praying and wishing that this is just a minor setback in the road to recovery; and that next week is counts are high enough to finally start maintenance. 

His Story

Wordless Wednesday

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Diaper Rashes and Teething

Way back when, on our first hospital stay when Gage was on like SEVEN different antibiotics for almost every hour of the day beacause he almost died; he came down with a lovely little diaper rash. His diapers were changed often, but due to chemotherapy and antibiotics he still came down with a rash. There was no preventing it.

Please note when I say lovely I really mean the ugliest, most painful, open sores bleeding and blistering type of diaper rash. The kind which took three nurses to hold him down, when changing him. I came to dread diaper changes, choosing to leave the room more often then not, it was too hard hearing him scream out in pain. Because there was nothing I could do, nothing I would say was soothing or calming to him.

It wasn’t until begged for something, anything for the pain that Gage was finally given darvocet. Which he got just in time too, because the Kid started to get his all his teeth popping in at once. Adding insult to injury, in my opinion. But thankfully he was able to go through that time with little to no more pain. Finally, after about three weeks his diaper rash finally went away.

But ever since that horrendous experience I am almost fanatical about changing his diapers. I can’t go through that again, if I even see a hint of redness on his pasty white butt, I lather it in ILEX and vitamin A & D ointment; and say a quick prayer that it doesn’t get worse. I also let him run around naked, not caring if he pees on the floor, that cleans up better then a rash does. I do draw the line at pooping on the floor though, for that I rush him to the potty, so I guess I am also potty training him at the same time. BONUS!

So I guess what I am saying is: when life handed me lemons, I found the tequila and started taking shots. You know best out of every situation and all that shit.