I can not believe that it has almost been six months since Gage was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Mainly because it feels like I blink and day has passed or I go to sleep and another week has flown by. I start to write a post and it takes me all day long. I just can’t focus, too many what ifs are running through my head.

Even though I usually work part time, since Gage was diagnosed I have become a stay at home mom. I spend my days with Gage trying to take care of him, making sure he is eating a fat free diet, getting enough sun, but not too much sun that his skin burns; since the chemo and medications make him sun sensitive. Is he getting the social stimulation he needs? I asked his Oncologist about kids with leukemia and their social and cognitive skills, and where he should be for his age group. Before Gage was sick he was in the 95% of everything, and was ahead of the game when it came to doing most things. Except walking, he was lazy, and wanted to be carried everywhere. His Oncologist told me that kids who have a “major” illness are known to fall behind in those areas, she also said he may always need extra help in school, or he may be fine. You just never know how they will progress. GREAT. Hearing that has freaked me out so much that I have spent everyday reading to Gage and doing flash cards and puzzles. All. Day. Long. I swear, I can read all of his books to him from memory now.

Having that extra bit of information on my plate, has me up late at night google-ing stuff life what tools I can use to help Gage learn more, and to be a well rounded toddler, who interacts well with other kids; and doesn’t act all bratty especially since he will be going back to daycare in a couple of months. Which has me so freaked out. Just the idea of not spending every day all day with him, gives me anxiety. What if he needs me? or something happens and they have to take him to the hospital and I can’t be there to take him, and he’s scared? Is he at an age when he goes back, will he think I am abandoning him? I never worried about any of this stuff when I first dropped Gage off at daycare, but so much has changed thirteen months since his first day going to daycare.  I’m lucky the Hubs puts up with my neurosis, and tells me everything is going to be OK, and he will at most always be only like ten minutes away from where Gage goes to daycare, and can be with him in a heartbeat if he is needed, or just think Gage needs him. Which actually does bring me comfort.  He even emails, me links to helpful mommy and toddler websites, with fun stuff we can do at home together.

I hope with some more time, I will be able to learn to let go and treat Gage like he is a normal kid. I do not want leukemia to define Gages life, this will be something that he went through, yes, but I do not want this to be a crutch for him. I also don’t want to live the rest of my life with this fear of everything that may or may not happen to us.

5K Walk for Gage

January 29, 2011

11:30-2:00

Corona Fundamental Intermediate School

Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!
Anne Frank

I love that quote. It makes me so hopeful to read it, trust in it; believe in it.

I’m back!! Hello? Is anybody there?!?***crickets*** Oh boy, sorry guys, but the last week has been absolute and utter chaos for us. We were released from the hospital on the Monday before Christmas and then on Tuesday with all the rain that San Diego got, our house flooded, like bad need to move out ASAP flooded because Gagers can’t be around any water that sits and may get moldy. Good times.  So we found a cheap ***read free*** house to stay at thanks to the coolest friends ever, thanks C and P, so we hired a cleaning lady to clean up the new house, and suckered a couple of friends into helping us move the big stuff; and off we went to live in our new house!

2011 is going to bring HUGE changes to our family. Back when we were re-admitted to the hospital, in the beginning of December I was talking to the nurses about Gages counts, when out of the blue one of them asked me if I had ever thought of becoming a nurse.***blank stare*** WHO ME?!  I stood there and as they told me, how I’d be a natural because of what we are currently going through and also because I kind of already work in the medical industry. My next response was what do they pay you to recruit nurses at this hospital? No, I can’t be a nurse, ew. I don’t have the bedside manner those nurses do, and yuck all of that bodily fluid? No thank you!

Thirty minutes later…Damn  you nurses! They have super powers to make you do things you never normally do. Like decide to go back to school, to get my prerequisites to start the RN program. Since I feel like I was sucker punched into this I decided, I’d like to get chemo certified in pediatrics to help not only the kids who get sick, but to really help the parents let them know that as much as this sucks it will get easier, and the not so normal becomes normal very quickly.  Oh Em Gee, what the hell have I gotten myself into? I’m scared, I have to take a math class, MATH! If once I start classes and you suddenly never hear from me again, it’s because I’ve run away to another country where you don’t need to take math classes.

If you thought this year is going to bring big changes to just myself, you are wrong my friends. The Hubs, has a couple of businesses that have really starting to take off in the last couple of months. I’m talkin’ magazine covers, calender covers and marathon wins; fun shit like that. Have I mentioned China yet? No, huh? Well the Hubs  is going to China! Right after the Chinese New Year, he should be making the trip. He is going to build a factory. I wont go into what kind of factory yet, let the suspense build up a bit, make ya want more, keep coming back. You know, that sort of thing.

As for the Gagers, the next three years are pretty much set in stone, chemo, chemo and more chemo. Which I’m OK with as long as his ass stays in remission.

I hope you all had a fantastic New Years with tons of fun, food, family, friends and with all of those F words I hope you had lottsa yummy hooch! May your 2011 be filled with new adventures, new friends, health, wealth and filled with so much love it hurts***in a good way***

I don’t know why I have slipped back into this place. It’s dark, and scary, I can’t stop crying in this place, and no matter how hard I try to stop; I can not find my way back out of here. I’m fucking terrified, no matter how many times I tell myself Gage is going to be fine. You really just never know. We cherish every moment we have with him. Our baby. Knowing that maybe our moments might not be forever. Knowing even if he is in remission, there are so many complications that we can not see. I want to scream and hit somebody at the unfairness of it all.