I Live in Hope.

I have anxiety. Everyday, it seems to get worse. I read a story of someone’s baby who didn’t make it and I hold Gage and pray that’s not us. I wonder if what happens when we put his mediport back in will his candida come back? Will we catch it in time if it does? Oh my god,  what if he relapses?

For a long time I was able to get a hold of my panic attacks and anxiety  and then one of Gage’s doctors said ”we were lucky to catch the candida as quickly as we did last time, because a lot of the times, we lose the young ones before we get to them”   ….   ”but you’re doing a great job, job keep doing what you’re doing”    …

The thing is I don’t know what I am doing. I’m barely holding on some days. I feel like I am being held together with string and one false move and I’m going to shatter and break into a million pieces. I’m not able to fall asleep at night anymore, it seems every time I close my eyes I’m watching a movie of every complication Gage has ever had. I hear it all, I smell it all. The fear washes over me and it wont go away.

I took a CPR certification course yesterday, and as I sat there watching the training DVD,  I felt the anxiety start to creep up on me. My shoulders tensed up the blood started rushing to my head. Oh god, please don’t let me start crying, I don’t want these people, these strangers to think I’m crazy. As I sat there I hear CODE PINK  (code pink at our hospital means that a child is in distress) being paged over the hospital paging system. I went back to that day. The day we came so close to losing him. I sat there, a I started to sweat, my hands were shaking so hard. I was afraid, I was going to have to leave. But I NEED to get CPR certified! Thankfully, the instructor calls for a break, and I can call the Hubs, who reassured me, that Gage is still here,  still alive and that everything will be fine.  And for a moment at least, I’m ok.

Later that day I went to my Holy Place. Target  and aimlessly walked the isles, eating popcorn and drinking a watermelon slupree basking in the fact, I was by myself. A very rare thing. I found this:

I have to...

Of course I bought it. I don’t know what I’m going to write in it yet, but I keep it with me in my purse and I take it out and stare at the words, needing to see them.  Needing to know that what they say is true.

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4 responses to “I Live in Hope.

  1. I needed a good late afternoon cry!! So thank you little sister. The thing is, you do know exactly what you are doing, that is why Gage is here with us, living, growing, thriving… yes there are going to be scares, ones that nobody but you can actually understand, but Gage will get through them because he has you by his side, advocating for him.. fighting his battle every single day… you are doing an amazing job!! I love you and am so proud of you… you inspire me!! xoxo

  2. u are so amazing!!!!!!!! I am here for u no matter what, and if u need to cry, cry who cares what the strangers r gonna think! U have been thru alot and have more then enuf right to cry scream yell or laugh uncontrollably!!! U R AMAZING WHERE DO U THINK GAGE GETS IT FROM?!

  3. How awesome is it that you found that Journal….Living in Hope is all you have when you feel there is nothing left..Hope…may that Hope get you through these days, and may that Hope bring you glimpses of joy…I am glad you have Hope..for there is not much without it…:)

  4. You are doing a great job even if you do not know what you are doing. You being there for Gage while doing everything you can do to hold it together is amazing. We love you, I hope writing your thoughts whenever needed brings you at least some peace.

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