Their Strength

So I have a secret. I read other mommy bloggers and the journey that is their kids leukemia. All. Day. Long. Much to the Hubs dismay, because this means I generally get nothing done. All. Day. Long. But I read their blogs to see if ours lives are similar, to know that I am not alone, that Gage is not alone, because even if I talk to the other moms in the clinic, it’s just not the same. I talk to those woman once or twice a week in the clinic, where these woman on the internet, who have no idea who I am. I read about them everyday, getting to know them, getting to love them. ***I kind of feel a little like a stalker, weirdo right about now***

I get strength from these woman, knowing that they have been through hell and back, and they have survived even if their babies don’t. I have cried desperate tears of pain, while reading funeral preparations for their babies. I have cried happy tears while reading posts written about when babies had their last chemo treatment, and got to go home for good, never needing to have another lumbar puncture or bone marrow aspiration again. I’ve gotten sick to my stomach at seeing the word of relapse, and praying and bartering with God or whatever divine being is out there to please never let me hear those words said in the same sentence as Gages name. I have found myself in these woman, and hope that someone is reading what I write and if they are going through what I have gone through that they get strength from me as well.

What I have learned from the majority of these blogs, is that not only do I have the most amazing health insurance, but the hospital we go to is fan-fucking-tastic. I have read about kids having to wait for five hours, before being admitted into a hospital room, or that when from the time Gage was diagnosed with leukemia to the day we knew the type of leukemia he had, acute lymphoblastic leukemia was a total of five days, which I guess is not the norm, because I have heard some places take up to four weeks for results. Those five days seemed like the longest of my entire life, I know I would have gone crazy if I would have had to wait a whole month. Did you know that some hospitals have cancer patients share rooms?! This has got to be the most absurd thing I have read so far! There are no good things about leukemia, chemo, or hospital stays but having our own room is a little, teeny tiny perk.

One of the terms I have heard over and over again has been a baby has “earned” his or her wings. Yesterday I read that Josiah has earned his angel wings, and I hate that term, because he should not have earned them so young. He should have gone to college, gotten married and knocked his wife up with eight babies. He should never had gotten sick in the first place. I hate that we can put a man on the moon, pick the gender of my next kid if I wanted to, or wear underwear that magically makes my waist and thighs two inches smaller; but we can’t find the cause or a cure for childhood cancer. The world truly does suck in that regard.

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One response to “Their Strength

  1. Hello girl, its been a long time since Ive spoken too you. Your Dad had told me about your sons fight with life, I’am so sorry that God has given you this challenge, but just know that he ALWAYS has a plan for you and Gage!! Keep the faith and know that your family is in my prayers.

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