Life, Not Like I Imagined

Some days I really feel like I am barely staying afloat. The last couple of nights I have been having trouble sleeping. I lay awake for hours staring at the wall above my bed, not seeing the wall itself but a movie reel of those first nights in the hospital. Me holding Gage in my arms as a nurse tries without luck to find a vein to start an IV as Gage slips in and out of consciousness. I see his pupils start to dilate, and his mouth starts to foam. I hear the nurses asking me to please go sit in the parents waiting room, since it was starting to get crowded with all the nurses and doctors rushing in. I’m walking the hallways, again. In my nightmares I’m just walking a hallway, lap after lap after lap. CODE PINK is blaring out of the hospital loud speaker and I can’t stop screaming. This is my hell and I have been here almost every day since August 2, 2010.

These last few weeks Gage also has been suffering from nightmares, I hate that he can’t tell me what he is dreaming about. When I go in his room to check on him when he cries out at night, his sobs of terror are heartbreaking; nothing can comfort him. The look in his eyes kills me, because I wonder if he is remembering those nights, like I remember those nights. I had hoped that he wouldn’t remember any of this, that he would be too young; so far it looks like that may not be the case. I hate those nightmares for him more then I hate those nightmares for me.

I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our lives have been such a roller coaster ride I keep praying, hoping, and wishing that we can keep on this positive healthy path Gage has been on. But he has a little cold right now, and I get up like eight times a night to make sure his cold hasn’t turned into a fever, I count his coughs every hour to make sure they don’t get worse. His poor doctors must hate the fact I have every single one of their phone, pager, and fax numbers on speed dial. Because, let me tell you since Saturday I have been calling, paging, and faxing at least three times a day. “No, Mom the cough is not in his lungs. It’s just a cold. He’s fine.” How do they know, since they haven’t seen him in a few days? We go back to the clinic for another dressing change, hopefully he will have improved by then that way we can have an easy, stress free weekend.

12 responses to “Life, Not Like I Imagined

  1. I hope Gage is feeling better.
    Your story really is really inspiring, to have a child is one thing. And to go through what you’re going through is a whole other thing. Above that, you feel the strength to write everything down and share it with people. Not everyone is as strong as you. My hopes for you and your family.

  2. Stephanie Beman

    I couldn’t imagine the pain you are going through and I am so sorry.
    Is he aloud to go play?? I was thinking I could bring my kids and we could go to the park or something?? or we could play at your house. Let me know
    Or when he is feeling better too!

    • Hey Stephanie- thank you so much for wanting to hang out! Unfortunately Gage starts his delayed intensification next week and will be stuck at home with no visitors for about 50 days due to the high amounts of chemo he will be getting, but as soon as he is done with this round, we would love to hang out!

  3. We will be hoping and praying baby Gage’s cold doesn’t get worse and that it just goes away! You guy’s are troopers…I must say!

  4. Do you mind if I include you and Gage in our healing circle thoughts? I would like to but only if that is comfortable to you.

  5. You have become such a strong woman being given this challenge. When you start thinking those nightmare thoughts start to think of one thing positive… Work off of that and build on that. Try training your mind in that direction. It takes away hours of remembering the disaster of the past. I know it’s hard to do but once you train yourself you will catch your mind drifting and be able to pull forward! We miss you all and there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t talk about you all! What can we do? Need a sitter? We can help! We are here for you 24/7! Just call or txt we will be over!
    The weather has brought colds to little ones, coughs runny nose. Kate is going in because her throat hurts. Check his throat and ears very possible something else is bugging him, that can cause nightmares. Love you guys! Thanks for this beautiful honest blog! Keeping you all in our prayers !!

  6. dear lisa,
    you suck.
    two fingers like a player…peace

  7. Nightmares? Oh dear. Maybe he’s dreaming about your cooking. That would give me nightmares too

  8. Lisa, every time you have a nightmare, tell satan to get behind you because God is in front of you. I hate being kept awake at night with nonsense thoughts. The only way I can make them go away is to pray. Hope this helps.

  9. My heart breaks over the life you have had with this sweet angel. But on the flip side, you are blessed each day to have him and you KNOW it. Most parents take each day for granted. Just keep in mind that each time he wakes up crying, it’s another opportunity to hold him close and smell him. To kiss his tears and tell him you love him.


  10. Lisa, I hope Gages cold goes away & fast!!! We will keep him in our thoughts and prayers as always!!!!
    I am so sorry to hear about the nightmares you two are having…Braydon (my 18 month old)also gets that way when he does not feel well, I usually will read him his favorite bed time story .. to put something wonderful back on his mind, maybe it will help Mommy get some better rest too!!! … keep being the amazingly strong woman you are.. you will get through this!!!!, and if you have a day that you feel like you can’t you have an army of love and support that will be glad to catch you and pick you back up again!!!

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