Time…

I can not believe that it has almost been six months since Gage was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Mainly because it feels like I blink and day has passed or I go to sleep and another week has flown by. I start to write a post and it takes me all day long. I just can’t focus, too many what ifs are running through my head.

Even though I usually work part time, since Gage was diagnosed I have become a stay at home mom. I spend my days with Gage trying to take care of him, making sure he is eating a fat free diet, getting enough sun, but not too much sun that his skin burns; since the chemo and medications make him sun sensitive. Is he getting the social stimulation he needs? I asked his Oncologist about kids with leukemia and their social and cognitive skills, and where he should be for his age group. Before Gage was sick he was in the 95% of everything, and was ahead of the game when it came to doing most things. Except walking, he was lazy, and wanted to be carried everywhere. His Oncologist told me that kids who have a “major” illness are known to fall behind in those areas, she also said he may always need extra help in school, or he may be fine. You just never know how they will progress. GREAT. Hearing that has freaked me out so much that I have spent everyday reading to Gage and doing flash cards and puzzles. All. Day. Long. I swear, I can read all of his books to him from memory now.

Having that extra bit of information on my plate, has me up late at night google-ing stuff life what tools I can use to help Gage learn more, and to be a well rounded toddler, who interacts well with other kids; and doesn’t act all bratty especially since he will be going back to daycare in a couple of months. Which has me so freaked out. Just the idea of not spending every day all day with him, gives me anxiety. What if he needs me? or something happens and they have to take him to the hospital and I can’t be there to take him, and he’s scared? Is he at an age when he goes back, will he think I am abandoning him? I never worried about any of this stuff when I first dropped Gage off at daycare, but so much has changed thirteen months since his first day going to daycare.  I’m lucky the Hubs puts up with my neurosis, and tells me everything is going to be OK, and he will at most always be only like ten minutes away from where Gage goes to daycare, and can be with him in a heartbeat if he is needed, or just think Gage needs him. Which actually does bring me comfort.  He even emails, me links to helpful mommy and toddler websites, with fun stuff we can do at home together.

I hope with some more time, I will be able to learn to let go and treat Gage like he is a normal kid. I do not want leukemia to define Gages life, this will be something that he went through, yes, but I do not want this to be a crutch for him. I also don’t want to live the rest of my life with this fear of everything that may or may not happen to us.