Some days I really feel like I am barely staying afloat. The last couple of nights I have been having trouble sleeping. I lay awake for hours staring at the wall above my bed, not seeing the wall itself but a movie reel of those first nights in the hospital. Me holding Gage in my arms as a nurse tries without luck to find a vein to start an IV as Gage slips in and out of consciousness. I see his pupils start to dilate, and his mouth starts to foam. I hear the nurses asking me to please go sit in the parents waiting room, since it was starting to get crowded with all the nurses and doctors rushing in. I’m walking the hallways, again. In my nightmares I’m just walking a hallway, lap after lap after lap. CODE PINK is blaring out of the hospital loud speaker and I can’t stop screaming. This is my hell and I have been here almost every day since August 2, 2010.

These last few weeks Gage also has been suffering from nightmares, I hate that he can’t tell me what he is dreaming about. When I go in his room to check on him when he cries out at night, his sobs of terror are heartbreaking; nothing can comfort him. The look in his eyes kills me, because I wonder if he is remembering those nights, like I remember those nights. I had hoped that he wouldn’t remember any of this, that he would be too young; so far it looks like that may not be the case. I hate those nightmares for him more then I hate those nightmares for me.

I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our lives have been such a roller coaster ride I keep praying, hoping, and wishing that we can keep on this positive healthy path Gage has been on. But he has a little cold right now, and I get up like eight times a night to make sure his cold hasn’t turned into a fever, I count his coughs every hour to make sure they don’t get worse. His poor doctors must hate the fact I have every single one of their phone, pager, and fax numbers on speed dial. Because, let me tell you since Saturday I have been calling, paging, and faxing at least three times a day. “No, Mom the cough is not in his lungs. It’s just a cold. He’s fine.” How do they know, since they haven’t seen him in a few days? We go back to the clinic for another dressing change, hopefully he will have improved by then that way we can have an easy, stress free weekend.

So once the shock of being pregnant wore off, I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do. I said hello to prenatal vitamins, and goodbye Tylenol for headaches and sciatica, my bloody mary became a virgin mary and no more sushi,***California rolls do not count, they are not sushi*** I planned for a drug free birth; that the Hubs quickly vetoed. Thank you baby Jeebus that he did too, because I was rushed in for an emergency c-section after twenty-two hours of labor. Which happened to be the easiest labor, ever. It was that that last hour that totally messed everything up. Thanks Gage.

But once Gage was born, I thought the biggest thing I would have to worry about would be autism. I swear, dumb, I know but I guess I have always been the “glass is half empty” type of girl. So we bought The Vaccine Book, by Dr. Sears and again, yes, I know that there has been no proven link between vaccines and autism, but we still chose to go through with the alternate vaccine schedule, and no flu shots ***I don’t tell you how to raise your kid, don’t tell me how to raise mine*** I nursed forever, used glass bottles, attempted to make my own baby food, Gage took one bite and refused to touch the stuff ever again. I might have even tried cloth diapers, but I throw Tupperware away if it’s been sitting in the refrigerator with food in it too long, so extra laundry wasn’t something extra I was willing to ad on to my to do list.

I would never have guessed that this is where my life would have taken me. A stinking cute toddler, with a terminal illness. A little person I love more then life it self, who if I could magically take this shit on myself and save him the pain, I would. I never thought that maybe Gages, first birthday could have been his one and only, or that the reason he would be getting his first haircut was because, I wanted it to on my terms and leukemia and chemotherapy could suck it; so we shaved it. And then it never fell out, because apparently 5% of kids do not lose their hair during chemo. Gage is one of those kids who doesn’t follow the “chemo rule book.” Everything that should not happen, happens and what should happens, doesn’t. Ain’t that the shit? Makes everything much more of an adventure.

He’s our fearless little warrior.

We just finished our last day of Standard interim maintenance therapy(SIMT) yesterday! the normal procedure for SIMT which involved Gage having to go through this:

• vincristine IV on days 1 and 29
• dexamethasone IV or orally twice daily on days 1-5 and 29-33
• oral 6MP on days 1-50
• oral methotrexate on days 1, 8, 15, 22, 29, 36, 43, and 50
• methotrexate IT on day 29

The IT the methotrexate mentions on day 29 means InTrathecal, basically they injected it into his spinal fluid, via lumbar puncture. Always a good time at chemo.

It is so good to know that we only have one more therapy session before we continue on to Standard delayed intensification therapy, and that’s only if Gages blood count is high enough to move on. Which from past experiences I know that treatment can be delayed for weeks on end.

This is what Standard delayed intensification therapy consists of:

• vincristine IV on days 1, 8, and 15
• dexamethasone IV or orally twice daily on days 1-21
• doxorubicin IV over 15 minutes to 2 hours on days 1, 8, and 15
• pegaspargase IM on day 4, 5, or 6
• cyclophosphamide IV over 30 minutes on day 29
• cytarabine IV or subcutaneously (SC) on days 29-32 and 36-39
• oral thioguanine on days 29-42
• methotrexate IT on days 1 and 29

This round of therapy is similar to the consolidation therapy, he went through in the very beginning but Gage was in the hospital, having everything go wrong with him, we were more worried about him surviving complications to surgeries and infections. I honest to Jeebus can’t remember any part of consolidation therapy, also mid way through treatment Gages diagnoses was changed from aggressive treatment to standard treatment; due to complications from his pegaspargase. That complication was one of the best complications so far, just because they were able to reevaluate him and judge he was responding so well to treatment so his chemo doses were decreased and so now they aren’t as strong.

Once Gage is done with Standard delayed intensification therapy, he will move onto Maintenance therapy, for the next three and a half years. Which seems like such a long time, but three years is nothing since we want Gage here for at least another eighty years or so. This is what Maintenance therapy involves:

Each course of maintenance proceeds as outlined below. Courses repeat every 84 days for a total of 2 years from the start of interim maintenance therapy for female patients and 3 years from the start of interim maintenance therapy for male patients.

• vincristine IV on days 1, 29, and 57
• oral dexamethasone twice daily on days 1-5, 29-33, and 57-61
• oral methotrexate on days 8, 15, 22, 29, 36, 43, 50, 57, 64, 71, and 78
• oral mercaptopurine on days 1-84
• methotrexate IT on day 1

It just seems incredible to me that Gage, has undergone such dangerous treatments. Seriously, I have to inject these things into him on a daily basis, and yet I can’t even throw them in the trash because it is hazardous waste and totally illegal. But if this saves his life, then I am willing to do anything.

Gage getting his dressing cleaned and changed. He is so awesome! Oh, and yes, that tube is sticking out of his chest, it actually coils into his heart.