We Just Needed a Drink

When Gage was first in the hospital, I would not leave the hospital; seriously you could not get me to leave. I was afraid of what could happen if I was gone, and not able to be there with him. I didn’t trust anybody for me not to be there, not the family, not the nurses and sadly enough not even the Hubs. But gradually after about a month I started to go out with the Hubs once Gage was asleep we would tell the nurses we were going to Wendy’s when really we would head out to this little dive bar in the parking lot next door to the hospital. We’d sit silently not talking to one another, he drinking the house special beer and me a bloody Mary. Lost in our thoughts and emotions.

As a married couple the Hubs and I needed those nights at the bar, just to sit and be alone outside of the hospital, where nobody knew who we were and what Gage was going through. I mean we slept, ate, showered, lived at the hospital for like three months last year; and when we slept it was in separate cots. Not very romantic or conducive for a successful relationship, I am going to be completely honest with you people, because if I can’t be honest with 10,000 of my closest friends, then what am I doing here?

I wasn’t sure if my marriage would survive Gages treatment. I blamed the Hubs for not being with me when Gage was diagnosed, because it was a Monday afternoon he shouldn’t be at work. He should have been shopping at IKEA with me, then at the doctor’s office getting the most devastating of my life. Instead he was making a living for his family to live on, how dare he! I resented the fact that he went to work for those first few weeks, even when he wanted to be with us, and I demanded he go work. Gage didn’t need both of us at the hospital, going crazy with anxiety and fear; go work. I didn’t see that he was slowly killing himself because he was staying at the hospital, not sleeping and then getting up at 5am to work and not get back to our room until 9pm that night. All I saw was he got to leave, he had a “normal” life outside of the hospital; and I resented him for it. I pushed him to leave, and yet I resented it!

We got into mad, crazy yelling fight in the hospital. When I say yelling, I mean whispering loudly so the nurses can’t hear us, and quickly shutting up as soon as a nurse walked in to give Gage medication and change his diaper. Oiy- those poor nurses, the awkwardness of it all, I get so embarrassed just thinking about. None of those nurses get paid well enough to have been subjected to some of the looks we shot at each other those three months in the hospital. Those rooms echo, too! So I am sure they heard every word we said. No matter how quiet we tried to be. I said the most hateful things to him, while we were in the hospital. Things I wish I could take back, and never have said. Things I don’t think I have ever apologized for, things to this day I wont bring up to the Hubs because I am so ashamed of myself.

This was the man I married, the same guy I promised to love and honor, in sickness and health, good times and bad yada yada yada. And the first real hardship in our married life together and I freak the ‘eff out, on the one person who was giving me the most strength from anybody. Who for the last seven years has let me get my way in every argument, never told me no I couldn’t do something or buy an absolutely unnecessary item, I sure as hell didn’t need. He has always been there for me, during the good, the bad and the ugly loving me and supporting me; and I couldn’t do the same for him.

The bottom line is, this has been the hardest six months of my life as a mother and more importantly as a wife. But I love my Husband and if Gage can fight cancer and survive then we can fight to make our marriage work. I think coming to that realization has been what has saved us. Six months later our marriage is still on shaky ground, but we are slowly building our family back up, this time stronger than ever. I don’t know a lot, but the one thing I do know is I love him more and more each day.

 

10 responses to “We Just Needed a Drink

  1. Good morning Lisa, let me start by commending how brave you are! I can’t imagine how difficult this was to write and re-live the moments of horror, condimnation and the shame you felt. I can’t even imagine the pain, anquish, fear and the many other feelings you had or continue to have while going through this difficult time. Lis, this is where the healing beginss… Keep your chin up, have faith and just pray that God will work through you and together you will conquer and have Victory over both Gage’s health and your marriage. Remember, God doesn’t allow anything to happen that won’t glorify Him! DON’T give up, keep the faith and ALWAYS know that GOD IS IN CONTROL…. even when you feel you’re not!
    Hugs with love,
    -me (lg)

  2. What a great thing to share. Everyone struggles in their marriage and Im proud of you for being so honest about it all and hope that by putting this out there it only strengthens your relationship… powerful stuff!

  3. Lisa you are so brave to share such personal hardships in your marriage with the rest of us and I say THANK YOU. The truth is we all have our hardships of different types and sometimes we feel alone. I really enjoy reading your posts, you are awesome.

    TO Lisa G, well said btw. I love your comment.

  4. How brave of u to share this story with all of us!! I know u are not the only couple who is or has gone thru this especially in the situation u guys are in! Im sure the nurses have heard worse! No one can predict how they will act in ur case. We all hope we wld act sane and not let our emotions get the best of us but more often then not Im sure it wouldnt happen that way! I know I wld be a mess, Im not affraid to admit that. You two should be proud to have gone so low in ur marriage and come out of it on ur own and being able to admit ur faults is HUGE!!! Congrats on ur work! u two are amazing and I envy u! LOVE U VERY MUCH :)

  5. I’m not supposed to be crying in my office at work!!! But I read this and it just broke my heart. I can’t even imagine the difficult emotions that you and Troy were going through during the initial months of Gage’s diagnosis. Now fast forward several months later you’re still faced with the many challenges that your marriage has had to endure, as well as the fight for Gage’s health. With more on your plates than most parents or marriages, you have managed to keep it together. I’m so proud of you!!

    The road ahead, is long and difficult at times, but you will rise above the experiences of this time in your lives, even stronger than ever! You and Troy will be sitting next to one another at one of Gage’s little league games, proud and in love… knowing that your strength as a team saved your son!!

    I love you Lisa and Troy!! XOXO

  6. This posting broke my heart! I am sorry you have to go through this. I have a brother with downs syndrome that went undiagnosed until he was born. My mom has finally shared with my that she had moments when he was going through infant heart surgery where she in her darkest secret moments hoped he wouldn’t make it so she wouldn’t have to deal with this baby who would never be normal. I don’t think she ever forgave herself for that ugly little thought no matter how understandable it was. When my father and her went to learn about what life would be like with a “special” child the first thing the counselor said to the room full of people was that in less than a year half of you will be divorced (this was in 1979 not in today’s 50% of all marriages end in divorce world). My parents made it, but barely. My brother is amazing and I am ten times the person I would have been without him. It worked out okay and my parents (like any marriage) are still working on it. I am ashamed because I have said those awful things to my husband I would never admit to anyone, but I didn’t have a struggle or emergency to blame. Just being a crappy wife. I am so thankful my husband is still here working on this with me. I pray for you as I pray for me that we can make it in a world where the odds just seem stacked against us all.

  7. Hi Lisa, that is a very brave post and you should be commended for your honesty. It sounds like the hubs may be suffering silently & for a man to admit he’s hurting, scared or helpless can be a very intimidating thing to confront. As long as you know that you are not alone, reach out to the husband… After all, like you wrote, you guys are in it together, for better or worse. My prayers are with you!

  8. You are amazeballs. I love reading your updates! I just gave you a Stylish Blogger award/shout out. Hopefully it will generate more readers for you who will know Gage and your family. You’re awesome mommy!

    Margaret (@goodbadfamily)

  9. That last comment was supposed to come from my other site! Go to my The Good, The Bad, & The Family to see the award. Sorry!

    Margaret

  10. My little boy passed away after being in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. He was born with birth defects. My husband and I got separated, but eventually worked things out. We’ve been back together for 7 years now and our marriage is so much stronger because of what we went through. I wrote a book about the whole experience and it will be published next year. I know every situation is different, but I do believe God has things happen for a reason.

    Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you ;)

    I’m following.

    ecwrites.blogspot.com

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